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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Art Department Identity Crisis

People are fascinating creatures; Complex, curious, and confusing as all hell. For the past two years I have been trying to figure out why the students in the Webster Art Department are able to make total works of....not art and yet, the faculty really seem to buy into it.

Art kid: "I created this piece because the telephone wire really spoke to me."
Professor: "Yes, using wire to create a ball is brilliant. It's brilliant because it isn't just wire, it's telephone wire."
Art kid: "Exactly. There was something about surreptitiously coiling the wire until it created a ball that made me think 'This is more than art. It's really talking to me. And it told me I was doing something new. Something never done before. I'm onto something here!'"

This exchange can be heard at any moment within the art studio walls. After years and countless hours of pondering how these kids talk people into thinking that their display of 5 red bricks neatly stacked against a white studio wall is art, I thought I understood. I thought I figured it out. And I did- but not completely. I thought that in order to get through the b.s. of the Webster Art Department all you had to do was create a work of "art" and give it a very kitchy, catchy story that everyone would just eat right up and voila, A+! While that does help, it still hasn’t been working for me 100%. So, this still leaves me wondering why. Why does it feel that there is a group of art kids, a group of professors and then me? This isn't a pity on Tera party, this is pure quandary.

Earlier today I walked through the studio once again, saw a stack of red bricks once again, almost tripped over a coiled up piece of telephone wire once again, and then WHAM! The answer hit me like those damn bricks! It's so simple. High School. Every student and to a lesser but notable degree, every professor, is nothing but a character. In high school, kids are figuring out who they are, where they belong and how to get where they think they are going. Hormonal teenage angst floods the hallways as students rush to join their cliques. The jocks playfully push each other against lockers and excitedly talk about their Letterman Jackets while the cheerleaders strut their high end fashion and gossip about who is dating who. The goths wear a constant frown on their pale face and choose to sit quietly in a secluded corner. Meanwhile, the stoners laugh and kick around hacky sacks in the courtyard while the metal heads discuss System of a Down's hiatus but it falls upon deaf ears-literally. These groups are all very different but they share a common thread. The thread is composed of the need for a sense of belonging and insecurities are woven in along the way.

Much like high school, the art department is divided into groups. The most laughable group, the hipsters, can be found in costume huddled around an outside ashtray, puffing herbal cigarettes as they critique the latest foreign film. Their mop-tops bob up and down to their favorite never- heard- of -before Indie band as they all push up their big, black glasses overwhelming their snooty-nosed face.

Of course you can’t have hipsters without hippies. You always know that you are within a few feet of a hippie because the studio is filled with the smell of Nag Champa. The Bob Marley tye-dyed hippies stroll around the studio barefoot with eyes thickly glazed over like a Krispy Kreme doughnut. While the hipsters listen to crappy music that is “good” because no one has heard of it, the hippies wildly dance to reggae or sway their dreads to the beat of Dylan.

If you aren’t a hipster or a hippie, then you most likely fall into the “I’m going to do whatever I want” group. Personally, I don’t like groups but at first glance, these group of students seemed okay. Why subscribe to all that nonsense when I can be friends with people that do whatever they want? They dress outside the norm, believe that if something is thought to be cool they should do the opposite and hell, they are even open to such characters like Billy who is "weird in a good way" because he wears a belt made from sheep intestines and totes around a voodoo walking stick he bought from coolrelicsofafrica.com for only two dollars! Wait, they can't fool me, this is just another group. I enjoy the way I dress, I like my goofiness, and I am comfortable being who I am. All the characters of the art department, including the hipster art history professors and the studio art, dazed and confused professors, are simply people who are insecure with themselves. Perhaps they like who they are now but it took pretending to be a hipster, a hippie, a weirdo-ultimately becoming that someone else to get there. Overall, I think art is a subject that attracts insecure people. In art, anything goes as long as you are going along with it. Otherwise, you are the person on the sidelines looking at all the silly groups with a puzzled look brushed about your face asking yourself “Why, why am I here?”

Monday, August 10, 2009

Rent-A-Puppy

For at least a year I have been wanting a puppy but I have one minor problem-I don't want to clean up after it. Obviously, this would be impossible. Unless, of course, I like living in a house that reeks of dog shit. But I don't. I am more of a Pine-Sol kinda gal.

Do you ever wonder why they don't make Cedar-Sol? Yeah, me either.

Let's get back to my puppy dilemma. Since I just want something soft, furry, cuddly and gosh darn cute to play with for a day, I think that there should be a business simply titled "Rent-A-Puppy." I looked all through the Yellow Pages hoping that by some miracle a genius like myself already thought this up and thus doing all the business work for me. But I was wrong. Either there is only one genius in this universe that came up with this brilliant plan(ahem, moi) or all the other geniuses are lazy like me.

This is really a shame because I bet business would be booming. It would be the cure to end the annoyance of children nagging their parents to get a puppy that, ultimately, the parents would care for.

I can see it now: All the Veruca Salts in this world whining "I want a puppy now!" would be able to get one! The child would be happy as can be and the parents too-since they won't wind up taking care of the little bugger. But then it would be taken away after the hour is up.

Such is life.

It's good to teach kids that life isn't all candy and make-believe.

Okay, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea as a Christmas present but it could show children the insane responsibilities of owning a puppy. I mean, the sole reason for this business is so that I can play fetch with a doggie for a day and then make it's real owners clean up after the mess it makes.

This is truly a brilliant plan.

If any genius out there with more motivation and gumption than I wants to start up a business like this- let me know. Then I could get a puppy, name it Waldo, and then lose it.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Fact of the Day: Shrike

The Shrike is a greyish medium sized bird that has been dubbed "The Butcher". Its prey usually consists of small birds, mammals, insects and frogs. What is truly unique about this bird is that it catches its prey and impales it on tree limbs or thorny leaves. Since they are able to catch prey that is larger than their mouth, they use the thorn as a skewer so they can rip apart their food. I think this bird is onto something. Maybe if the other birds take notice it won't be long until we start to see birds eating with chopsticks!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Fact of the Day: Unguligrade

The word unguligrade is just so darn fun to say that I decided to make it my fact of the day. Ungulilates are mammals that walk on their tiptoes. Usually, ungulates have hooves such as deer or horses but can also have "toes" like the llama.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Fact of the Day: Opossum

When baby opossum are born, they climb from the vagina to the pouch(marsupium). Once they make it to the pouch, they find a nipple to hang onto. They stay this way for about 60 days. Kind of...gross.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Fact of the Day: Venomous Mammals

Some mammals have venom in their saliva that will paralyze its prey when bitten. The only venomous mammal that resides in Missouri is the Northern Short-tailed Shrew. For that matter, it is the only venomous mammal in all of North America.

Other venomous mammals include the Eurasian Water Shrew, Southern Short-tailed Shrew, the European Mole and the male Platypus. The Platypus is unique because only males have venomous spurs located on their hind legs. The Platypus is also an egg laying mammal.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Fact of the Day: Cicada

The Periodical Cicada spends 17 years underground in total darkness and complete seclusion, feeding off the roots of a tree. After 17 years of loneliness, it decides to stop wallowing like an EMO teen and surfaces to come out and party. Hopefully, it finds a rave soon since it only has a few weeks to mate, lay eggs and then die. The Periodical Cicada is one of if not the longest, living insects in the world.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Fact of the Day: Ticks

Ticks have been kept in captivity under starvation for over three years without any negative effects.

Also, for all of you out there(well, those in St. Louis) who are worried about the diseases ticks can carry, there has not been a single reported case of Lyme Disease in Missouri. Phew!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Fact of the Day: Turtle

I am taking a zoology course that involves memorizing a shit ton of facts and being tested on those facts within two days. We also get to go out in the wilderness and watch the teacher orgasm over Fowler's toads and aromatic sumac. Instead of having a mental overload, I have decided to write a fact I have learned from this class each day.

Fact: Turtles breathe through their anus. Talk about never getting any fresh air!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

So it goes

On Sunday I went to The Decemberists concert and noticed a woman who was wearing a dress that revealed a tattoo on her back. The tattoo was simple. It was a phrase I was familiar with from the novel Slaughter House-Five. It simply said, "So it goes." I thought that was a rather unique and fun tattoo to have and if she were at a coffee house I would have asked her about it. Unfortunately, I was stuck listening to a whiny rhapsody. So it goes...

A few days later I had dinner with a friend and tattoos were brought into conversation. I told my friend about the Vonnegut tattoo and he casually replied "Oh, that was Langen." We went to the same high school but I was three years ahead and we never really knew one another. Every so often I run into her at the most adventitious moments and to add to the randomness, my friend happens to know Langen. The logical side of me thinks that St.Louis is just so darn small; I know a lot of people and run into someone weekly but there is a difference between them and Langen. I run into her at places far from where I usually go and the times I run into her are completely unconnected to anyone else I know. So, I have decided that I have a karrass. She is in it.

Busy, busy, busy.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Zombies in the Storm

This afternoon a big storm came through and I experienced something new-oblong hail. I have never seen hail that resembled Lego blocks and perhaps if the rain did not hurt upon hitting my skin I would have built an ice castle.

A few hours after the storm passed and the ice melted, my brother asked me to tag along with him to Target in search of Xbox gear. Due to the storm, the power had been knocked out along Lindbergh but Ryan bravely fought the congested and crazy road. The path leading up to Target was dark and all the stores had lost power. The entire area was deserted and calm. Remarkably, the automatic doors at Target were still operating which was a sure sign that Target was still open for business. Ryan and I walked into Target which was being backed by generators. The lighting was dim making it difficult to see anything and the atmosphere was eerie. The speakers were out and dead silence filled the atmosphere. Briefly, I stood in wonderment of how peaceful Target had become when it hit me-the zombie apocolypse may have just begun. I was waiting for the zombies to come from behind, perhaps out of the vitamin isle. My only weapon was a pack of gum but fortunately I didn't need to use it. I scanned the room and didn't see anyone vomiting or reak of death so I felt I was in the clear. It was bit curious that a handful of people continued to shop- in the dark-acting like this wasn't unusual. The zombies were not in the vitamin isle,no, they were in every isle and I was surrounded! Ryan and I escaped without a scratch but there are zombies still out there. Beware.

Friday, May 8, 2009

May showers brings...?

This weather is getting me bummed. I heard there was a possible tornado headed my way. I should go tornado hunting. Or maybe I should stay in my basement where it's safe. Adventure, possible death or basement bore? It's a toss-up.

Monday, April 6, 2009

I love Twitter. No, not really

Update: While Twitter had the potential to ruin my day, and did make me miffed for a few hours, it in fact made my week. Maybe even month. After reading Augusten Burrough's Twitter, I found out he was here in St. Louis. Even more exciting, he was at the library across from my house. I was irked that I had a class at the same time he was doing a lecture and book signing and moped about class. After class, I decided I was going to take my chances and head to the library. To my amazement, the doors were not locked and I was able to get in line. Since the line was nearly diminished and I was the last, I only waited a few minutes before I got to meet the somewhat flamboyant and hilarious author. This put a smile on my face. According to Augusten( we are now on a first name basis), I have Roman features he would kill for. He settled for a photo with me instead.

Even though it was Twitter that announced Augusten's arrival I still dislike it, on principle, and nothing will change my mind on that.

Twitter Dee, Twitter D'oh!

Whenever I turn on the news or get my daily fix of TV shows, I keep hearing the word "Twitter". What is Twitter? Over the weekend, I set to find this out. As my in-the-know boyfriend explained, it is a micro-blog, allowing only a hundred or so words. It appears that people are using it for constant, by the minute updates on news or celebrity gossip. This idea is bizarre to me and I was easily able to dismiss all the Twitter nonsense and go on with my weekend.

Until today.

Today, I logged onto Myspace to see if one of my favorite authors, Augusten Burroughs, has put out a new book yet. As I browsed through his update page I found a link. It said "Twitter Updates." Since I could not find the answer to my question, I boldly clicked on his Twitter. Lo' and behold, my answer was there. His new book comes out in October. In the meantime, he is still touring to promote his latest book, Wolf at the Table. The kicker: he will be at the St. Louis Public Library Headquarters, right across from my house, today at 6pm. I have always wanted to meet the guy that makes me laugh page after page, but alas I have a class that meets once a week on Monday nights. All I can say is that Twitter has ruined my day. I would have rather not known that I was missing an awesome event.

So, beware of the dangerous perils that lie ahead before you innocently click on a link that directs you to the evil Twitter.